I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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