my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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