people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
tell me about the fingering
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
