I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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