going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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