It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize