Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
