6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
