I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
