Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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