ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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