dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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