Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
