Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
