I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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