I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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