I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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