Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
