Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
