I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
