It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
