Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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