You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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