Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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