threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
