Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
