Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
