I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
