I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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