Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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