If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
