I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
