ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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