I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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