The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She said her name was "party"
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
