Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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