I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
