I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
