umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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