I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
