where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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