Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
