He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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