Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
