He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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