I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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