Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
