There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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