Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
