My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
