M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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