Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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