I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can I color on your dick again?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
