I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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