I need to stop coming to work sober
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
