if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
