I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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